The Misadventures of Cloud Strife
by Cpl.Hicks
Summary: A collection of one-shot stories that revolve around our favorite hero, Cloud! Each chapter will revolve around a holiday and be posted on that holiday. :) Timeline varies across the span of Cloud's life. Valentine's chapter is currently up. (warning: Cloud/Sephiroth, crude humor, language)


**Author's Note:** It's Valentine's Day! :D I hope you guys had a good one. I basically just ate tons of sweets and was in the mood for writing a short Valentine's story involving our favorite hero. XD Initially, I was gonna call it 'Cloud's Valentine Day' (or some other stupid title), but then I thought it'd be cool to have this be a place to post all of my one-shot stories dedicated for each holiday. Since Easter is coming up I'll have the Easter edition on Easter day. This is rated M for crude humor and raunchy fun. ;)

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**The Misadventures of Cloud Strife – Holiday Edition**

**VALENTINE'S DAY**

Private Cloud Strife was a bit surprised to find a package waiting for him at the barrack's post office. At first, he blankly stared at the gift. It was small and expertly wrapped to clear and concise folds. Cloud assumed this was a mistake. He hadn't had any luck with the women here to warrant such a gift, and he hadn't given his mother the address to the barrack's post office yet. That left Cloud with only two conclusions: either this was a prank courtesy of his squadron fucking with his head again or this package was intended for some other lucky bastard. When a man waiting behind him in line gave Cloud an impatient grunt sound, the young blonde rolled his eyes and stepped away from the counter with the curious gift in his hands. He searched for a tag or some other clue to the sender's identity.

For Cloud, Valentine's Day was just like any other day at Shinra's Headquarters. Ever since former-Commander Genesis Rhapsodos defected from Shinra earlier this year, and Angeal Hewley disappeared shortly after, the General had issued multiple commands to the infantrymen. Exhausted, Cloud hadn't slept for roughly forty-eight hours straight and his body was both bruised and sore from the constant hikes in rough terrains along with the occasional bouts of combat. Basically, Cloud and his posse were in charge of keeping the peace as well as cleaning up Genesis' mess. For reasons still unknown to Cloud, the former First-Class SOLDIER seemed bent at destroying the world. This wasn't exactly what Private Strife had in mind when he signed up. When he arrived at Midgar several years ago, he expected to meet the General and his two Commanders. He wanted to live the dream by serving under them as an elite member of SOLDIER. Unfortunately, not only did Cloud fail the exam for SOLDIER entry level, _yet again_, but the entire organization was coming apart. He couldn't have arrived at a worse time.

Despite the setbacks and disappointments, though, Cloud conducted himself accordingly and encountered a few wonderful surprises along the way. For one, he got to meet his idol at last: General Sephiroth. He was more stunning, beautiful, and powerful in person than depicted in the photographs. Cloud had served as one of his escorts him to Wutai a few months back, when Commander Hewley disappeared. Unfortunately, Sephiroth didn't talk at all during the trip and any time he caught Cloud look at him his face was a blank. Cloud couldn't help himself. The top man of SOLDIER was incredible. And yeah, he was very gorgeous too. That was saying a lot for a Private who never thought another man could appeal to his senses. Then again, Sephiroth wasn't just _another man_: he was Sephiroth. The General practically inspired morning wood for half of his army with just his handsome looks alone.

Cloud made a face when he quickly recalled his episode of motion sickness during their time in the helicopter on route to Wutai. Any moveable vehicle, whether it was airborne or on ground, agitated his stomach and made it impossible for him to be one-hundred percent operative. Cloud had to swallow his own vomit during the entire trip. He must've appeared as an oddball to Sephiroth that day. Still, Cloud proved his mettle in combat and apparently impressed the General enough to be assigned to other escort jobs after the Wutai job. About the only job Cloud ever regretted participating in was _Operation Rainbow_. Don Corneo had valuable intelligence on Genesis' whereabouts. Cloud was successful in obtaining the required information and actually pleased his superior with his _creative solution_. However, Cloud vowed never again to dress in drag. _Ever._ That aside, it was at one of the other assignments that Cloud got to interact with the second wonderful surprise in his life: First-Class SOLDIER Zackary 'Zack' Fair.

And speaking about Zack…

"Hey, Cloud!" Zack yelled from down the corridor.

Cloud blinked. Tall, dark-haired, and with a spit-fire personality, the Gongaga native currently struggled with an enormously-sized gold vase filled with red roses. It was nearly half of the man's size and looked heavy. Cloud softly scoffed to himself as Zack carefully made his way to the post office. His body swayed left to right when he dodged incoming traffic. Cloud considered giving his superior a helping hand but found the entire juggling act to be very entertaining and impressive. Several times Zack nearly dropped the fragile object but surprisingly didn't. Cloud had to give the man kudos for being light on his feet. At last, Zack finally joined Cloud by the post office and set the huge object on the ground.

"Sheesh, that vase is much heavier than it initially looked."

Cloud stared at the large object. "Okay, I confess: I'm a bit jealous. Some girl must really like you enough to give you something that big for Valentine's Day, Zack."

Zack paused for a moment, as if confused by Cloud's remark. Afterward, a slow grin developed across his face. In a loud voice, he replied, "Y-y-yeah. It's from a girl! I got a _huge_ fan base. Didn't ya know, Cloud? It's huge, so big that it rivals Sephiroth's. I'm really that popular. All the girls just _love_ me. They can't get enough of my awesomeness. Why, just the other day I had to break up a cat-fight over me!"

Nearby, a tall oriental man dressed in a black suit strolled by. His long hair was pulled back into a tight ponytail. Cloud immediately recognized him as the same Turk he accompanied in Modeoheim: Tseng. When Tseng stopped at the post office he stood in line right behind Zack. He glanced at Zack's huge flower vase.

"Ah, so you are visiting Aerith today," he commented quietly. "I am sure she will enjoy your gift, Zack."

Zack made a face at Tseng. "W-what are you talking about? Aerith? No, this is from one of my fans."

"Then why does the tag read, _From Zack to Aerith - with all the hearts in the world_?"

Cloud immediately snorted out loud. "And here I thought _a girl_ gave it to you, Zack. What the hell was all that about you having a huge fan base and girls fighting all over you?"

"I _do_ have a fan base," the other man declared and raised his fist at him. "I got a certified club, damn it. _Certified_, I tell you!"

"There are currently five members enrolled in his club," informed the Turk quietly, "The Founder and Zack are included in that number."

Zack growled. "Tseng, shaddup. What the hell are you doing here at the post office anyway? Aren't you supposed to be spying or killing people in their sleep or somethin'?"

"I was instructed to pick up any packages sent to Genesis today," replied the tall dark man calmly. "Considering today is Valentine's Day, the mail office will receive a huge influx of packages. There is a chance Genesis may try to slip something dangerous into these premises."

"You're going to inspect _each_ of his packages?" Cloud inquired slowly.

"Yes."

"Next person up, please," announced the bored postman from behind the counter.

Zack stepped aside. "You can go first, Tseng. You got bigger issues than I do."

"Very well." The Turk stepped forward. To the postman, he evenly requested, "Packages for Genesis Rhapsodos, please."

The postman looked at him. "_All_ of them?"

The Turk nodded only once. "All of them."

The postman gave him one last look, as if the Turk just signed his own death warrant. Then he withdrew from the counter and headed to the back of the post office. As they waited, Zack glanced over at Cloud to ask about his current workload. He paused when he noticed the package in his hand.

"Hey, you got a Valentine gift, Cloud."

The younger man shrugged, still not sure if it was legit. "I guess."

"Hoo-yeah! See? I told ya you were a stud muffin. Who is it from?"

"I don't know." Cloud checked the package again for a tag. He finally discovered it tucked neatly under a fold. Pulling it out, the hand lettering was written very neatly; precise.

"Well?" pressed Zack again.

Cloud softly read out loud, "_To Cloud - from a secret admirer_…"

"Ooh, a secret admirer!" hollered the First-Class rank. "_Someone_ might be getting some action tonight, eh? It's gonna be a party in Cloud's pants tonight!"

The color on Cloud's face drained when Zack starting pumping his hips upward and humming a pleasant dance melody. Before the blonde could voice a protest, another Turk arrived at the post office. Unlike Tseng, this one wore his suit a bit more casually. With an unbuttoned collared shirt, his dirty and grimed boots clacked loudly against the stainless steel floor with each bold step he took. His wild, red hair definitely made a statement.

"_A party in Cloud's pants?_" Reno echoed playfully, "How come nobody invited _me_?"

Zack looked at him. "Um, because you're a certified psycho armed with a cattle rod?"

"But the chicks love the cattle rod." Cloud's mouth dropped when the redheaded Turk grabbed him by the ass. "_Right_, sweetcakes?"

The blonde heard how this particular Turk was a handful. He didn't realize how much until he literally took a good chunk of him in his hand. Furious, Cloud snatched the offending hand away and twisted the wrist until Reno yelped.

"Uncle! Uncle!" the Turk conceded and finally let go.

Zack laughed.

"Reno…" Tseng suddenly blurted. "Stop making trouble and assist me. _Now._"

All three men paused. The alarmed tone in Tseng's voice instantly caught their attentions. Cloud, Zack, and Reno found the postman had returned. Their eyes widened when a huge sack of Valentine love letters and presents toppled over the entire counter.

"Hold on," urged the postman and came back with two _more_ big bags. He left a final time and returned with a giant-sized pink fluffy bear too big to put into a sack. "That should be all of them. Do you need anything else, sir?"

Tseng paused while Reno groaned loudly at the millions of love letters, cards, and packages they had to sit through and inspect individually. Cloud suddenly felt very sorry for them. Without a word, Tseng pulled out his cellphone and flipped it open.

"Cisseni," he said, "Call everyone in. We got a long day's work ahead of us. And be sure to make lots of fresh coffee. _Lots_ of it."

Both Cloud and Zack watched the two Turks struggle with the large sacks. Grunting and sweating already, Reno settled for dragging his share of the burden across the floor while carrying the big bear on his back. The bag of goodies squeaked all the way down to the hallway.

"I hate Valentine's Day!" whined Reno before he disappeared beyond a set of doors.

"Poor bastards," mumbled Zack.

"Next please," the postman said indifferently.

Zack stepped forward. "Packages for Zackary Fair and General Sephiroth, please."

That same expressionless look returned on the postman's face. It was worse than when Tseng requested Genesis' packages. "Son, you might want to call in for serious backup on this one. Just so you know, we ran out of space here and had to stuff the rest of the sacks in _both_ of our stock rooms. We're _still_ getting more packages today."

Zack broadly grinned. "Ah, so it looks like a lot of my fans want to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day, eh?"

The postman simply stared at him with one brow raised. He walked away and muttered, "God, I hate my job…"

While Zack waited for the packages, Cloud looked at his companion with a question on his face. Quietly, the infantryman asked, "Sephiroth? You're picking up his packages too?"

"Yeah. He's too busy tracking Genesis down and mobilizing the troops to stop his army of clones. He doesn't have time to check his mail these days. He's probably gonna have his personal staff look over the sacks and toss out anything that isn't important, like the Valentine's stuff. Heck, even before the Genesis situation, Sephiroth tossed out his presents and cards."

Cloud stood silent for a moment. Chewing on his lower lip, he thought of the Valentine's card he had anonymously sent to the General. He didn't know if it had already been delivered to his office or was still in the mail room, lost among the stack of other cards sent to him today. There wasn't anything special about the card. In fact, it was merely a piece of paper folded in half. Cloud drew a mountain as well as the sun shining behind it on the cover; a vision he grew up seeing when he was a child in Nibelheim. Last night, he and his squadron went out for a drink at Hobgoblins after a successful mission. Cloud was shit-faced and drunk enough to write down all of the little emotions and thoughts Sephiroth inspired in him. He had made sure to send the letter off before he developed second thoughts. Recalling the card's written content, it was a good thing the General would never know of it. Of course, Cloud did feel a pang of hurt too.

"Are you gonna open your gift now?" Zack asked as he waited for the postman to return.

Cloud thought a moment and raised the package at eye level. He stared at Zack one more time. Afterward, he removed a switchblade from one of his back pockets. For whatever reason, he didn't want to ruin the perfectly packaged gift by tearing it with his bare hands. He wanted to extract the gift with as much care as the sender had given it. Carefully, Cloud created a few incisions here and there. He made sure not to cut too deeply for fear he'd accidentally penetrate the contents. Zack anxiously watched the blonde pull out a small box from the packing paper. Neither man said a word when he slowly opened the box and revealed the contents.

"What the hell?" Zack muttered as Cloud pulled out a small paper bag, a portable toothbrush, mouthwash, and a bag of fiber-enriched treats. "That's…pretty lame."

Cloud pursed his lips. This certainly was a strange gift. Then again…

"Why are you smiling?" Zack asked when he saw Cloud suddenly grin. "It's a stupid gift, probably even a joke."

"It's thoughtful," Cloud corrected and appeared content now.

"You mean… you actually _enjoy_ this stuff?"

Cloud rechecked his gifts again. "A paper bag… toothbrush… mouthwash… and a bag of morsels… It's perfect for someone who suffers from motion sickness. Don't you think?"

Zack blinked and realized the significant meaning behind the gift. "Oh."

Cloud kept the grin on his face. Then he noticed something pressing against his backside. He didn't realize there was something inside his back pocket until now. Reaching into it, Cloud pulled out a small Valentine's card. He opened it and immediately made a face.

"Good god…" Cloud mumbled.

"What?" Zack inquired curiously.

Cloud didn't merit the question with an answer. He merely stared at the Valentine's card Reno had snuck into his back pocket during the time he grabbed his ass. Inside the card was an image of the naked Turk, posed like a Playmate of the year. A heart-shaped sticker was placed over his manly parts. On the other page were the scribbled words:_ Roses are red, violets are blue… Can I get a blowjob from you? – Love Reno_.

"All right, son," said the postman as he reemerged from the back room. He looked at Zack. "I'm gonna hand you _your_ package first. I'll fetch the General's stuff now."

Slapping and rubbing his hands together, Zack eagerly expected to find a large bag waiting for him. Instead, the postman propped a small-sized lonely box on the counter. Zack's shoulders quickly sagged.

"The heck…?" the First-Class man started in a low voice, "This wasn't exactly what I was expecting. But hey, it's from a fan so… I'll take it?"

"Actually, it's from your mother," the postman spat back, "I think it's a batch of heart-shaped cookies; the same as last year's."

Cloud snickered. "I don't suppose you'll spare a few of those cookies for me, huh?"

"Only if you'll help me with the General's packages."

Cloud was about to agree to the exchange until he saw the postman return shortly with several of his assistants. They all carried a series of big bags in their hands. Each of them had trouble supporting the heavy weight. Good Gaia. It was as if the entire world decided to send the General a Happy Valentine greeting. No doubt, a lot of women sent him their lingerie and nude photos like last year.

"On second thought…" Cloud said; pale-faced, "Never mind about the cookies. You're on your own, buddy."

Despite Zack's protests and pleas, Cloud stepped away from the horrific scene. He needed to rejoin his group anyway and get briefed on another mission. He stopped when he noticed the entire group of soldiers in the hallway with him abruptly stay still and go at full attention. Cloud knew what that meant. His heart pounded and he turned his head straight toward the direction everyone faced. General Sephiroth was down the corridor, carrying a few documents on his person. Alongside him were a group of Second-Class ranks. It looked like they were all revving up for war.

"Zack, good, you're here," Sephiroth said, "I was about to send for you."

"What's up, sir?"

"We spotted Genesis' army in the Junon area. I'll go over the specifics this afternoon at the Briefing Room. Meet me there at 1400 hours, Zack."

"Yes, sir. By the way… where did you want me to put those packages?"

Sephiroth paused and noticed the loads of bags in the mail room. They all had his name on it. Annoyed, he briskly ordered, "Get rid of those for me."

"Yes, sir," the other man replied.

From where he stood, Cloud observed the General and softly sighed to himself. So far, Sephiroth hadn't bothered to acknowledge his presence. Cloud was admittedly taken aback by it, as well as how fast the General dismissed the cards and gifts from his admirers. Many people took the time to send him the presents, including himself. Still, he couldn't blame him. Sephiroth lost two of his best friends from the massive desertion and was now in charge of bringing them in: dead or alive. He wasn't in the mood to be merry right now. As the General walked away to conduct the rest of his affairs today, though, Cloud frowned. Among the stack of documents under his arm, he noticed a familiar card there. It contained the drawing of a mountain and peaking sun.

Cloud smiled.

"Excuse me, son," the postman said, addressing the young blonde.

It took Cloud a moment to realize he was being summoned. "Yeah?"

"I didn't realize this until I was cleaning out the stock for the General's items, but I actually discovered there was one more package for you."

"Oh?" Cloud took a step toward the counter.

The postman collected a bigger, rectangular shaped box than before and placed it in front of the infantryman.

"Man, Cloud, now I'm feeling so jealous of you," spat Zack. "It's not fair! First you get a gift from your secret admirer, and then you get a Valentine card, and now _this_?"

"Hey, at least you got a girlfriend."

"True, that." Zack grinned back.

Cloud closely surveyed the new package in his hands. It was wrapped in the same packing paper as the small gift. When Cloud discovered the tag of the sender, he immediately recognized the clean and very precise handwriting. Indeed, it was from the same secret admirer. However, this package had a message: _I've love to see you in this tonight, Cloud. Meet me at the Sky Tower at 1900 hours by the main stairs. - S_

"_S_…?" Cloud whispered to himself.

"Ooh, what is it?" Zack eagerly asked. "What's inside?"

As before, Cloud carefully removed the packing paper with his switchblade and lifted the top lid of the box. Whatever it was, it was hidden within tissue paper. As Cloud pulled the tissue aside his blue eyes immediately widened in disbelief. He wasn't sure what boggled his mind more, the gift or the written message there.

"_Excellent job in Operation Rainbow, by the way…?_" Zack read out loud; confused. He cocked a brow as he slowly pulled out a silky red dress, lace lingerie, with matching high-heel shoes. "Huh… Why would anyone send you a dress, Cloud? …_Cloud?_"

Zack turned and discovered the young infantryman had passed out on the floor.


End file.
